|
Post by Maxisms on Feb 24, 2015 8:06:20 GMT
Loneliness is a growing theme in our increasingly connected world. For me, the loneliest thing in the world is to be with friends (or God forbid, on a date) and have the person/people I'm with spend more time looking at their phone than interacting with me. Upon first moving to Los Angeles, this was a big problem.
Apps like Facebook and Instagram put the lives of the rich and fabulous at our fingertips, forcing us to constantly compare. Obviously, I'm not one to preach here, given that my job is to make my life look like a giant fairytale (pardon the pun)… but even I catch myself comparing with larger social media accounts or stalking ex's to see who they're with now and what they're up to. When waiting to find out if a big job will confirm or drop, I'll check my phone dozens of times in an hour while neglecting the people who are right in front of me. We are all guilty of it.
-What do you do to assuage that lonely feeling that inevitably creeps up? -How do you find connection with the people around you? -What do you do to nurture the connections and relationships in your life? -What are some unhealthy ways that you've dealt with loneliness and what were the consequences? -What are some ways to get out of the social media K-hole in which you get anxious without your phone at your fingertips?
One of my favorite games at a dinner table is called "Cell Tower" where everyone stacks their phones in the center of the table. The first person to go for their phone has to pay for everybody's dinner. Every day I try to take a break from the digital realm, either leaving my phone in the gym locker or just turning it off for an hour or so each day.
Obviously my primary struggle is with my phone. What's yours?
|
|
|
Post by Maxisms on Feb 28, 2015 19:12:36 GMT
This is the loneliest forum post ever.
|
|
bwms91
New Member
Married
Posts: 4
|
Post by bwms91 on Mar 1, 2015 0:57:26 GMT
Max, I can not imagine anyone being out on a date with you spending more time looking at their phone rather than interacting with you, even in LA!! That being said, maybe they were texting every one they knew letting them all know how lucky they were to be out on a date with you.
I love the idea of the "Cell Tower" I plan to use this in the future, and I guarantee I will never pay for another meal.
I have been in my relationship/marriage for 22/2 years. At times we of course take each other for granted, but something always seems to remind us how lucky we are. It ain't always easy and God knows it has always been an adventure, but as the song goes "We're still here!"
I have lived in a number of different cities and one other country, Brasil. I always seem to make at least one or two close friends who I keep in touch with on a regular basis and visit or host them for visits. It is fun to keep in touch and share our adventures. I have found social media to be a help in keeping everyone up to date.
In my younger days I turned to sex when I felt lonely. Of course it was often fun in the near term, but not a very good way to solve the problem.
Since moving to Rancho Mirage a couple of years ago, I have not really connected to many new people. This is mostly my fault for not trying very hard but it is also a geographical component like most of SOCAL you need to get in your car to do almost anything and I hate to drive. I am really an urban creature at heart and love subways.
Even though I do not feel lonely to often any more I felt the need to give some love to the "loneliest forum post ever."
|
|
alex
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by alex on Mar 1, 2015 4:56:40 GMT
I have to admit that I'm guilty of pulling my phone out sometimes when I'm talking to people too! I know it's a terrible habit and I often catch myself sticking my hand into my pocket and stopping myself before I get to my phone.
I'm a high school student, and I think that one of my biggest mistakes was making too many friends and not enough close friends. I don't necessarily associate myself with one group of friends, and so I often feel pretty lonely. Even though I may have a lot of friends, they all have better friends to hang out with on the weekends. I guess I just try and make the most of the time I actually do spend with my friends when we're at school.
|
|
|
Post by telquetues on Mar 1, 2015 22:14:55 GMT
I think this is a great topic. Someone has a strange theory that everything conserves in total amount: the more friends you have, the less connected you are to each one of them. I don't know if that's true or not. Say that's true, it means we cannot get rid of loneliness by knowing more people, or by spending more time with others. So let's hope it's not.
Physical connection doesn't solve loneliness for me, as I feel it most strongly when people are finishing a most hilarious joke in a party: when the laughs faded out, I often realized that I had nothing to do with it, even in the case when I was the one telling the joke. The same thing happens after I had a nice get-together/talk with my best friends and families. Admittedly, I am a very sensitive/self-conscious guy, so this might not happen to many people, but this weird feeling has prevented me from going out in recent years.
In another sense, I don't feel lonely very consciously most of the time, even though I do spend time mostly by myself. I am often very busy everyday, and in the time when I am not busy, I fill my slots by doing volunteering work or studying different things. So I seldom feel lonely because of boredom. But the feeling that all of us hate does creep back sometimes, especially during holidays, as I cannot spend them with my family now. The solution I am trying out is to train myself to get used to it. I tried to go out with friends, but I don't want to be the type that hangs out with friends just to get rid of the loneliness. Also, in a way, if one could control his/her feeling (if that's possible for a non-super man/woman), it would be very powerful.
For friends and connections part, I think there are four types: (a) you say hi when you meet each other; (b) you cannot stop talking when you bump into each other; (c) you spend a lot of time with; (d) you can always have the support and love of each other, even though you do not stand on the same continent, even though you do not share the same daily laughters and worries. I can say I have met some friends, and some of them fill into type (d): that's purely out of luck. I do not nurture friendship on purpose, but I try to be there if they need me. For new acquaintances, if someone interests me, I tend to be the one that makes the first move and see if we like each other.
For the social network thing, I have no problem with that. I do need to check the vibrated emails/messages when I hang out with friends, but never facebooked/twittered/... I am really a guy with nothing special, all social media are literally the "media" to know the world for me; I seldom post my personal life, because I am, again, most ordinary and sensitive, and think it's unsafe to expose everyday life there. I hate competition, so I do not compare much either. But I do comment/discuss with friends using them, and I post some of my thoughts occasionally.
Looking back in high school years, I wasn't really lonely then too, because I was busy to work hard, conceal myself and get out of it. But worthy friends did come to you on their own feet.
|
|
|
Post by Maxisms on Mar 3, 2015 5:36:34 GMT
telquetues
I like your outlook and theory, but I'm going to bitch slap you if you say that you're "boring" or "ordinary" again. That's bullshit and you know it ;-)
thanks for the input. I got a lot out of that.
|
|
|
Post by Bryan on Mar 3, 2015 7:41:10 GMT
I was a military brat so family moved around a lot when I was a kid. I got really good at making friends at school and being friendly with people, but I also got lazy about making real long-term friends since I knew we would be moving in a couple of years and I was scared about being gay in a pretty macho military environment. On one hand, the experience helped me make connections quickly with people but, on the other hand, it also made it hard to open up to people and get invested in relationships.
Getting older, graduating college, and going into the working world, that experience growing up still shapes my everyday life. I'm totally fine being independent, love traveling by myself, and I'm content being in my own head, but when it's hard to build deep new relationships with people. I have close friends, a pretty good relationship with my family, clients and co-workers like me, I'm pleasant to be around, and can hold a conversation. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at keeping in touch, putting myself out there to meet new people, and making new friends. I'm pretty introverted and ok with that, but I'm afraid that I'll end up being a curmudgeon who hates interacting with people or can't deal with new situations and is afraid to ask for help. Does anyone have any advice for getting more comfortable at putting myself out there to meet new people?
I loved reading books about people dealing with being different or coping in a new situation. "Dear Mr. Henshaw" by Beverly Cleary was a book I read in elementary or middle school that got how I was dealing with being lonely and working through loneliness. "Hero" by Perry Moore is a pretty recent book about a gay teenage superhero coming of age and understanding himself, coping with his loneliness, and developing his relationship with his dad. Does anyone else have books that helped them when they were lonely?
|
|
|
Post by Maxisms on Mar 6, 2015 8:57:33 GMT
Bryan, I've had the same problem, to some extent, about keeping in touch... Although with true friends, years can pass but when reunited it's like no time has gone by. The best relationships are ones without possessiveness... and I think you'll find that your favorite people are often going to be too busy to hang out much. May I ask how old you are?
|
|
|
Post by Bryan on Mar 7, 2015 21:25:03 GMT
Totally agree with you, Max. Friends can reconnect no matter how long they've last really hung out or even talked. I went visited friends over Christmas who I haven't seen in a year and we had fun like I had never left. Those moments are great at dealing with loneliness. Just because my friends aren't close by or who we haven't chatted in forever, I know they have my back and I have theirs.
I'm 32, so an late 80s/early 90s kid. I also moved from the Philippines to the U.S. in 89, so being an immigrant sometimes adds different flavor of loneliness too. Growing up in the South, South Carolina, Mississippi, and Virginia make it a little more complicated when I knew I was gay from a pretty young age.
Invisible Monsters is my favorite Palahniuk book about dealing with the loneliness with coming to terms with who we are/are becoming and accepting our friends/family as they are. Have you read Beautiful You yet? I think it gets at a theme where people replace sex/materialism with relationships. It's all about sex toys, so you can either throw it under sex or materialism. Ha!
|
|
Saul
New Member
Posts: 2
|
Post by Saul on Mar 12, 2015 2:54:19 GMT
I know i'm kind of just jumping right into this thread. But I guess, being honest I guess the best way that I deal with the inevitable loneliness I feel is to either discuss the situation that brought up the lonesome feelings in the first place, or to speak to someone close to you, as a form of distraction. Be it a friend, a colleague, or a family member. It always helps to know there are people in your life that are able to help you through things.
Connecting with people around you can be both difficult, and easy. It all depends on how you look at it. Speaking from personal experience, I find it quite easy to work with people, being that I'm a somewhat sociable person. I have boring moments in life and I sometimes just feel as if there's nothing better for me to do than to sit in my room and blog. But, it helps (as aforementioned) to know you have a connection with people outside of your room, workplace,home etc. I guess coming back to the question. I find connection with people around me through (as you mentioned for the highlight of the topic) Social Media. i.e. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat etc.
I believe nurturing the relationships you have with the people around you, depends on the kind of person you are. Some people feel it's a constant battle to do so, and some (like myself) find it easy. I tend to just pop in from time to time (via social media) to say hello to a few friends, ask how their doing. Spend time with them outside of said media and just all around, hang out. It's the little things in life such as that that makes the world go round. (Cliche, huh?) Just letting your friends and family know you're still there for them can go a long way. And it shows you truly care for them.
I've recently (very recently actually) dealt with loneliness by going about saying the wrong things at the wrong time. And those things that were said cost me quite a few friendships. I guess at the end of the day you truly know who your real friends are, huh? Then again, it's not to say what happened was their fault. Due to the inability to function with the proper brain capacity and knowledge of what my loneliness had gotten me into, I ended up getting so lost and confused I hurt the ones I loved most, only to then lose those people. One way I get out of my social media circle of addiction is by going down to my local childrens foundation center for former foster youth kids, and volunteer. As a former foster youth myself, I find that if I have time on my hands and I'm able to give back, it'll go a long way. Even if it's cleaning the kitchen, or serving and cooking hot meals to homeless people or as I said, former foster kids.
At the end of it all though, IF i'm being honest. I'm no one special. Just another human being trying to fight the neverending struggles of being just that... human.
Primary Struggles: Laptop and Cellphone.
P.S.
I really need a better hobby.
|
|
|
Post by Derek on Mar 13, 2015 2:03:17 GMT
Hey Max, Can I just say you're a big inspiration for me <3. You might be wondering why I'm posting in this sections so Ill tell you why.
I've known that I was gay since a very young age, possibly 3 or 4 is the earliest memory for me. I had a rough time growing up as a kid, with family making fun of what they did not know was true yet. Im a junior in high school now and because of all their hate as a kid, I haven’t come out to them. They’re are a few kids at school who know because I can trust them. On Monday, this boy I followed on instagram got my number from a mutual friend. We texted for a few hours that day until we both went to bed. Seeing that things went well, I texted him around the same time on Tuesday. No response. Wednesday passes to bring today (Thursday) and he never replied. Personally, I see my self as a happy person considering my background. Lately, I don’t know whats happened to me. I feel so, so, useless. I wonder at points if I should even be living, but then try to rule that out. I need to talk to someone, because there are so many thoughts that go through my head about me, my image to myself, that I can’t keep thinking of. How do I get my confidence up? There are literally no gay guys in my school (or out of the closet). Do you think I should try gay social media stuff? This is only a small fraction of what I want to say, but thank you for reading Max.
|
|
|
Post by Maxisms on Mar 14, 2015 5:54:22 GMT
Derek- keep your head up, man. I get dejected ALL THE TIME (truth!) When people don't treat you right it's about them, not you. Be careful not to get attached too easily because some people aren't worthy of deep trust... and it takes a long time to get to know someone. If you're going to try Grindr or whatever, be wary that people on there can be very terse. Don't let them bring you down to that level. Try to set an example and be the light in the dark place. I hope this helped.
Saul- PREACH!!!!
Bryan- Love invisible Monsters... Haven't read the second one. I'll check it out.
thanks for contributing here, guys!
|
|
|
Post by Freddy on Mar 14, 2015 6:07:38 GMT
Hi Max, Yes the obsession of the phone is awful. I just moved to LA seven months ago, and everyone is on their phone here. WTH... like really. Sadly, I've become one of those people. I actually miss my family and friends back home in Bakersfield. I feel lonely and sometimes frisky. I have turned to dating apps (Grinder) to meet new people. Honestly, it doesn't work. People can be so shallow and make rude remarks about my looks. Recently, I have deleted my account on Grinder and I just need to make friends the old fashion way. I do have a roommate and he is also my best friend. I feel bad because of my desperate attempt to make "new friends", that I kinda neglected that fact my best friend lives with me. Focusing so much on my phone trying to find guys, I hardly has a conversation with my friend. Overall, I should appreciate that I have my best friend and my sister, who only lives 20 minutes away from me (without traffic, LA traffic is horrible) ... The feeling of rejection is horrible, but I am harnessing my energy on becoming an optician. Fuck asshole guys that flake on me and that make me feel horrible. At least, I have people that care about me. So, I am putting down my phone and reconnect with my best friend and spend more time with sis (when she comes back from Ireland )
|
|
|
Post by murrakmr on Mar 15, 2015 1:54:11 GMT
A good way to avoid checking your phone (especially at dinner) is to put it in your front pocket when wearing snug-fit jeans. It's such a struggle to get it out again that you'll happily leave it there till you stand up again.
|
|
|
Post by Stan on Mar 15, 2015 17:01:41 GMT
Hi Max!
Just learned about you now and i like what you are doing. For me, you give a new light to the stereotypical image of a model. Who would have thought that someone who has it going would still have issues that someone "common" faces?
I do think you checking your phone constantly is fine bec you have social media as part of your career. What is rude/bothering is when someone checks his/her phone for nonsense stuff and just ignores the people around especially when they are all there to specifically hang out and enjoy each other's company or to talk about something important (my sis is guilty of this). I seem to have no problem with this just because i still use a prehistoric text and call phone and i don't really enjoy social media except maybe for youtube. But for people who are somehow addicted, a good thing is to get limited internet connection so you will be forced to just check your phone on important things. Also, conscious effort is needed especially when you are "hanging out"..i think the cell tower is a good exercise.
As you have said, it is also a way to check on other people's life and this touches our human tendency to compare ourselves to others, which i think is a bad trait. People who are dealing with difficulties in life would definitely feel more negative after seeing other people's achievements plastered across social media. But i guess the best thing to do is to just have a reality check and always count our blessings..definitely the positive outweighs the negative. We all have different paths in this life (no 2 are alike) so comparing really does not make sense. Aside from comparing, i also notice that this can lead to being competitive just for the sake of being more fabulous than the other..again a negative trait. Hopefully this does not happen that often
But my big question is that with all these avenues for connection, the world seems more and more disconnected and hostile. What is your take on this?
*Looking forward to your next videos. Must say you are really charming and should be doing tv or movies (perfect for Magic Mike 2) by now. You have what it takes! =)
|
|