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Post by Maxisms on Apr 9, 2015 17:43:15 GMT
Kurtis- Your story is super cute. Don't get jaded so fast though!
Kari- Agreed!
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Post by queerlife94 on Apr 23, 2015 17:59:07 GMT
Hi guys I thought that I might share my experience so here it goes.
When I was younger around 9 I really didn't share the same interests of a lot of kids my age and so when all the boys at school started getting girlfriends and thinking celebrities were hot it just didn't have any appeal for me and really left me cast out of the normal social circles and left me really wondering why this stuff didn't appeal to me and wondering what on earth was wrong. Things continued like this for a couple of years and I was bullied at a few different schools for being different and teased for being gay and questioned regularly about if I liked girls and to be honest I didn't really know, I never felt attracted to women and never liked the idea of dating one it just felt uncomfortable to me. Even though I was teased a lot for being gay the idea that it might be true really never occurred to me because I had always heard it spoken about in such a negative fashion I just knew it was something I didn't even want to consider. A year or so later I really confronted the idea that maybe all these people are right maybe I am gay so I started researching a lot about it, about other peoples experiences and what the definition of homosexuality was and what feelings went along with that classification and I realised that I found myself being talked about in a lot of the things I was reading and was really identifying with it all. Then came porn the ultimate test for any teenager, and I suppose that is a test that can't really lie, the results came in - 100% GAY! I spent the next year or so really getting comfortable with this idea and claiming this part of my identity and growing comfortable with that part of myself, free from outside influence and safely wrapped up in my own little world it flourished and I learnt to reject what I had thought about homosexuality being so negative because I knew that I wasn't negative and if being gay was a part of me and wasn't hurting anyone it couldn't be too negative either.
After a while I came out to a friend who was also gay and nothing changed at all (1 person down the rest of the world to go) we just went on as we did before. Then one day while I was in therapy (I had been for a while because of the trouble with schools) my therapist asked me if part of the reason I so repelled from the idea of having a future girlfriend when I was younger and was perhaps because I was (without vocalising it) trying to tell everyone that I was gay, I agreed and the session continued. On the way home from the session as my mum was driving and I was going over what I had spoken about (our usual routine) I told them what they said and what I said then said that I was gay, the moment was very anti-climatic and we just went on with our conversation. When we returned home my mum told my dad and my sisters who proceeded to question me about what she was saying and if it was true (slightly overwhelming) and I said it was, and things went on like normal. It took a little while for my parents to grow into the news and accept it properly and for me to be more open with that part of myself. Sometimes even though I knew my sisters accepted me and still loved me they would say things like perhaps I hadn't met the right girl, or perhaps because everyone always called me gay when I was younger I had started to believe it. While those things hurt I knew that they had to slowly accept a reality that had taken me a lifetime to accept and that this was just them expressing their concern in their own way.
Years later and I am open to anyone who cares to know. My family grew more and more comfortable with it and now it is just part of me (like it always was). My sisters and I check out guys and go to gay clubs and my parents are loving and supportive.
In regard to Max's questions:
-How did you do it? I told my mother and then she told everyone else lol.
-Was anyone straight up BUSTED? No although it took time for them to be as comfortable as I was.
-How would you have done it if you really had the balls? I thought about this a lot when talking to friends who were not out yet, and decided if I could do it over (with the comfort of knowing the world wouldn't end after) I would throw a party and all the food would be slightly dick-esque, hot dogs, dagwood dogs, long doughnuts, pickles, ice poles, eclairs, bananas anything you can think of that is slightly suggestive of dick would be there. I would talk like everything was normal and tell everyone I had a big surprise at the end of the party. Then at the end a huge dick shaped cake would come out missing a big slice, I would step into the spotlight (this party is huge in my head for some reason) and just say into the mic whilst eating the cake, I really can just not get enough of this. I would then invite everyone to take a slice of cake that would say in a cum styled icing 'HES GAY'.
-What would be some examples of what NOT to do? After I came out I read a lot about how it is not a good idea to come out while someone is driving, because you don't know what will happen - wish I had that memo before.
-Was it what you expected? Not at all, it was so anti climatic, the world didn't implode and the sky didn't fall or anything. I almost felt like people cared too little.
Now what I want to say most is to people who have unfortunately not had a smooth experience like mine: I want you to know, that I love you, just as you are because you are perfect and you are worthy. There are people all over the world that will make you feel that way and if you are not fortunate enough to be related to them by blood, you have to stay extra strong and keep going until they can find you and become the family you deserve. I don't want you to ever feel like you are not important to anyone because you are important to me, even if we have never met. I want you to know that things get better - Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. ~ Victor Hugo. You are part of an international community of people just like you who love and support you even if you don't know it, I hope you will always feel that. Finally if you ever ever need anyone just to even talk to and you feel like you have no one else please message me <3
Thanks for creating this space Max so we can speak like this.
Take care everyone.
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Post by Yellow Lab LV on Apr 26, 2015 16:00:21 GMT
OK, I can't believe I'm actually writing this somewhere and my heart is pounding. I grew up in the bible belt in a very small redneck town and my parents were/are super homophobic. The rednecks would call me queer, faggot, etc. even though when I was young I never admitted even to myself I was gay and fought back like hell and was mean as hell. When it is pounded into your head from the time you are small that being gay is a bad thing that would make you a freak and abomination, it makes it very difficult to realize that I'm neither of these things and I still struggle with it. A few years back I was very depressed and ended up with a counselor and a psychiatrist but still would not touch the subject of being gay. Of course, all the psychiatrist wanted to do was medicate me for depression. It was the counselor who really helped me along with my straight best friend's wife. His wife very gently said, do you think some of your issues may stem from the fact that you don't like girls? I said yes and that was the first time I told anyone. I followed one by one with my other friends and the general response was "duh". Even the straight guys that I'm friends with were totally fine with it.
But, I'm a coward because my parents and brother still don't know. They refer to gay people as queers and are generally repulsed by it. I went to a gay wedding last year and my mom was horrified and told me not to dare tell my dad because he may have a heart attack. It's a little comical because my mom says she prays for me to find a "fine Christian girl". When I talk about some of my gay friends, they cringe.
It turned out that my best friend from childhood who also was teased turned out to be gay as well. His life has taken a totally different path. He's out and proud to everyone. We were so similar as kids, I don't know how he turned out ok and I'm such a mess.
Anyway, you are very inspiring Max and thanks for offering this forum.
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Post by queerlife94 on Apr 28, 2015 8:24:26 GMT
Yellow Lab LV - Please don't feel that you are a coward or a mess, these things take time and the most important thing is that you are happy and healthy. You have done something so many people that come from similar backgrounds are unable to do and have found yourself among all the outside negativity. You should be so proud of that many people spend their whole lives hiding and afraid of who they are so it is such an accomplishment that you know who you are. I hope as you continue along your path you find more strength and positivity in your life and that you are able to find happiness.
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dom
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Post by dom on May 4, 2015 10:11:10 GMT
I came out to my friends and classmates 3 years ago before entering college. In my class back then, there were quite a few of closeted boys like me. Growing up in an Asia in a strict conservative protestant school wherein gays are condemned is difficult because according to the school, it is part of their belief that "Adam and Steve" were never created and a man must only be with a woman. Being forced to act, look and talk accordingly is what I have been used to. Realizing afterwards that in college no one really cares as long as you have a good personality and doing well in life.
Coming out to my parents was never an option because the fear of consequences that might happen afterwards overwhelms. The fear that they might never accept nor talk to me and I might also be kicked out of the house.
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Post by queerlife94 on May 4, 2015 15:17:31 GMT
Dom it's great that you managed to find yourself and realise that truly good people only care about your personality not your sexuality. I hope that you might one day have the same realisation with your parents but until then I hope that you are happy and are taking care.
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nr88
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Post by nr88 on Jun 20, 2015 21:17:33 GMT
It was this last year on Middle school. Here in Europe, things are slightly different. I have been for 7 years now with this people around me in one class. They where nice, but i didn’t feel connected. In this last year, just after the big summer break a new guy entered our group. He came from the other end of the city and was quite shy, but one of the best in sports. In the beginning I didn’t talked to much with him, we didn’t had that much in common, I had the feeling we where as different like the day and the night. But as the year passed by we started to talk to each other. I found out he was living just right across the street. So we biked together after school and hung out. At the end of the year my parents decided to move to the other end of the city, strangely enough our friendship became stronger and stronger. Just because we didn’t see each other that often, the moments we saw each other where more “intense”. It was the same period where i had my first serious relationship with a girl. But things didn’t worked out that great and I realized I was falling in love with my best friend. I was kind of in denial in the beginning. But i had to be honest to myself, this was no big surprise. For some reason i might already new i was gay. After one year I broke up with my girlfriend. Just years later i told here the real reason, maybe because i was still in doubt with myself. But I think it’s important not to lie, so that’s why i told here in the end the real reason. So after I broke up with the girl, winter came. His family invited me for wintersports-holidays so i went with him to the mountains. We slept together in one bed. Nothing really happend, but it was good to see each other for that long. It made the connection stronger. And for someone who is in love, there is nothing better to see him that often. The thing is, I was quit sure that he was straight. So I didn’t told him I was falling in love with him. But i think people could read my face. But when we came back there was something strange going on. We were starting at new schools (high schools). And our contact started falling apart, a bit. Maybe it was because of we went to different high schools.
So we didn’t see each other that often and we went to different schools. I really had a big problem, because i was missing him. And maybe my bigger problem: should i tell him i was falling in love for him, or shouldn’t I. And more, I had to tell my parents. I couldn’t choose what to do first. The summer came in, by that time i was 15, and my parents had this BBQ party. My friend and I where chilling in the garden, my dad was “grillmeister”. I think everyone had a good time. My friends parents where also friends now with my parents. It was a long evening and we all drank a bit more then usual. Maybe it was because it was so warm. When they all left at the end of the evening, I finally told my parents, everything. I was so stressed and going crazy, maybe also because i was a bit drunk. All my feelings where coming together. I had the feeling i had to hide a part of me. It was such a relieve. i bursted out into tears. I have the luck my parents are very caring people so they really brought me back in comfort. They said that they would love me as I am, they wanted me to be happy. Though I think it was a shock for them, there only child was gay.. We also talked about my other problem: my best friend. In the beginning they advised me to not tell my best friend. I agreed, also because we didn’t see each other that often anymore. After some months passed by we became from “best friends” to just friends. Yet, i got invited on the birthday party of his dad. This was the last time i would see him. For some reason I felt it before we met, so i was thinking about telling him. We escaped the party and went to a bench in the park nearby. We finally where alone and I finally took my chance to tell him. I was staring into the red colored sun: “Please don’t be in shock, i’m gay”. “I already knew that”. “why didn’t you said anything?” “i wanted to give you the opportunity to tell it me by yourself”. I was relieved, again. This gave me all the courage I needed to tell him what I actually wanted to say. I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes: “I don’t think this is just a friendship, I have fallen in love with you”. It became silent, it even seemed the birds stopped singing their songs. There was only the wind which made the leaves dance. I became frightened, was it the right thing to tell him? We stared in each others eyes for 2 minutes. Then he looked away, and said after a moment: “we should go”. At the moment we came back, the sun was already down, his parents where cleaning. The party was obviously over. And actually i had the same feeling, “the party” was obviously over. I said them goodbye and went back to my parents place. It was the last time I had contact with him.
This all might seem a sad story to you. But im actually very thankful that I had the opportunity to get these lessons. It’s so importent to be honest to other people, but it is even more importent to be honest to yourself. Only in that way, people can accept you the way you really are.
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Post by JV on Sept 14, 2015 1:36:01 GMT
Reading the previous posts definitely shows a range of experiences. It shows how strong people are with sharing a part of themselves that can be the most difficult thing to do. .
As embarrassing as this is, my parents busted me by finding my stash of gay porn. ☺️ This was during high school when it happened and when my parents approached me about it, I denied it out of embarrassment. Fast forward to finishing my first year of college, I sat my parents down and told them. Even though my parents are accepting and supportive. It took a couple of months to hear the words "I love you" from my mom. Even though I knew it, she had to come to terms in her own time. In my family, we always ended a phone conversation or a goodbye with "I love you."
My godmother actually approached me and asked if I was gay in the midst of asking to send her the soverniers (Tshirts) that I got her from a previous trip to SF. She states "Are you gay? If you are that's ok I still Love you but make sure you send me those soverniers."
My grandmother decides to ask me as I'm driving her to the store "when are you going to come out of the closet?"
In many ways it was unexpected and my family has been supportive. They may not understand it fully due to their own experiences but a friend once told me that I have lived with this for the majority of my life. I cannot expect family or friends to be so accepting right off the bat when I myself had to come to terms with my own sexuality.
My advice to those who decide to come out to family:
1. Don't expect them to be so accepting right off the back. You have known this for awhile now and they will need time to digest the information.
2. If you are financially dependent, make sure you have a back up plan. Not everyone's story has a happy ending.
3. Come to terms with your sexuality. Love yourself. Be your number one fan.
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Post by lorenzo on Sept 28, 2015 22:32:31 GMT
My coming out... well, I always knew I was gay but the first time I told anyone was in 2004, I was 17. He was a boy I met in a forum, I read his blog and I thought there was some connection. Sometimes wishes come true, and sometimes it's better if they don't, especially if the boy involved thinks that nobody must know that he's gay and that you're the one who spoil his mask of perfection. There were repercussions even some months later in 2005. Some people were hurt, not phisically, but that obviously doesn't make it better.
The first time I made it in person was december 2004 to my cousin. She didn't suspect anything, but it went ok and now we support each other in love problems, just like some teenagers, even if 11 years have passed. Then came the gay sites, the gay chat... I met some people just for sex, some left me something more, a brief relationship, a friendship, some precious memories. Other left me nothing, a few even made me feel empty. The latter were just rare cases, so after all I think it was ok. In 2006 I started university, I told some girls who were close to me, but not to the others. There was another girl who I considered a friend, but she thought that homosexuality was a disease, I tried to tell her that she was wrong, that she couldn't say those thing, especially if she was studying psychology. I don't know what she thinks now because we went separate ways, but I hope she changed her mind.
Then came work... I work in a bookshop since 2008, next to my sister. She was the first one of my colleagues to know about me. We went to see some relatives, I told her while I was driving. She said to me that on some level she knew, that it didn't matter, and that she was glad that I told her. We grew quite close from that moment on. Then another colleague, she told me that she just had sex with the boy she liked even if she was in a relationship with another. In exchange for that secret I told her mine. The other colleagues found out about me always when there was some boy involved. Now I'm more confident in the workplace, I don't discuss my sexuality for starter with the new colleagues but I don't hide it either.
My parents, the other relatives and friends that i don't see often... well, they don't know. The family because I don't talk about my love life with them. I know it's stupid, but it feels awkward. They rarely ask how I'm doing, and when they do I don't discuss my emotive side. I just answer "I'm ok". Sometimes I want to tell them, but then I think that I don't want to discuss my relationship with them. Unfortunately it's a family trait. And the old friends... well, I came out with one of them. We discussed about homosexuality many times when he didn't know, he's interested in politics and there were some frictions because he was a little conservative. The funny thing he was the most reasonable. The others, who labeled themselves as democratics, said the worst things about gays and lesbians (unless there was some porn involved).
That covers the majority of the theme "coming out". I'd like to be more strong, careless even, I'd like to let things go when they hurt, even the comments of religious men and politics that in Italy are getting always worse and worse. But mostly, I should learn to communicate with the ones I love.
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Post by Brenden Draper on Dec 19, 2015 9:20:47 GMT
First off, I must say that I have no idea how I ever came across your page, but I am glad I did. There is so much you offer to people and the world. It is awesome. I know there are forums all over that cover this same idea, "the coming out" conversation and even though there are not many posts on here, what draws me to contributing a post is that you Max are active in your forums which is such an important factor for those who are new to the community &/or are thinking of coming out. NO story is ever the same nor are the outcomes. I feel that sometimes we have these expectations in our heads and when things do not go as we have them planned out in our heads, the world comes to an end. But what I have learned through my experience is that it gets better.
My coming out sadly is kind of a tragic story, but at the same time it is one of the most important moments of my life and has been the basis of how I plan to define my life moving forward. In college I first acknowledged that I was gay, but mostly kept it to myself. I was an active member in my fraternity and as you can imagine the idea of a gay Brother didn't sit well with some people, so I kept it to myself because I felt that my sexuality really was none of their business. It was during this time I began to meet other guys in similar situations on campus and we almost developed like a fraternity within the Greek System. But there was always something that prevented me from fully coming out to my brothers, my friends and even my family.
I eventually graduated and went to grad school to earn a teaching credential in elementary school. Now, male elementary school teachers are rare but a gay male elementary school teacher is even far more rare, so I had to keep my private life really private. As luck would have it, I scored a dream job in a fantastic school district in a grade level I wanted to teach. It was like everything I had worked towards for years had finally fallen into place. However, the community I was working in is a very conservative town. A small, conservative town that does not like outsiders. They are the type of district that hires within and you have to know someone in order to get in. It is a "white entitled" community full of people who think they their views are the only ones.
Well, I am not like any of my coworkers. I wear bright and flashy ties and Vans to work. I taught my kids dances in class and we sang. I decorated my coworkers offices or classrooms for their birthdays. I was myself but without actually telling anyone about my sexuality. Multiple times people would ask me, "who are you dating?" or "what's our type?" and I always avoided answering the question or redirected them. One day, one of the lower grade teachers on campus heard a rumor that I was gay, and she, as a conservative religious zealot did not approve of that. She didn't care about my practice or teaching ability or that I was the most requested person on campus. She did not like me because she heard rumors of me being gay and then bastardized any interaction I had with my students. She, along with another teacher put in a complaint about me, using my sexual orientation against me in a way that would have me dismissed from my job. After a year, I was released due to false accusations motivated by people who assumed I was gay, something I had never mentioned to a single person.
I had to fight for my life and my career and in order to do so and begin righting many wrongs I had to face some big decisions. My attorney and I talked a lot and she knew my story and it was her who outted me to my friends, family and parents of my students. It was mortifying at first, but the circumstances called for it. I was singled out for one reason, I am gay and those people used that against me. Me coming out of the closet was not on my terms. It was done without my permission, but it was done. "It is what it is" is that saying that comes to mind for me.
Well, I beat the odds. I am home with my family but there was still this elephant in the room. Everyone knew I was gay but I never said it to them. It didn't come from me, but they know. To me that didn't seem right and it upset me. Even though I knew my friends and family knew, there was still this big part of me that fears the rejection even though everyone has been so supportive through everything. So I took matters into my hands. I started with a small group, my best friends. I came out to them. I told them I had something that was important to me to share and I wanted to share it with them. I told them that I wanted to talk first and get it all out and in the end they could ask me anything if they wanted. The one important fact I added was that no matter what, I would still love them and that it is possible to love someone still regardless if they agree with some things in their lives and I hoped that regardless of who I dated, that they would still love me for me, Brendan. The same guy they have known for the last 30 years.
The vast majority of people were happy to hear about it from me and I was overwhelmed with more love. I didnt think it was possible after everything I had lost and been through. As long as I was happy, my friends and family were happy, no matter who I liked, loved or wanted to sleep with. They made that clear. One thing I learned from all of this, and I learned a lot and still continue to learn is that you (I) need to be true to yourself (myself). It is a tough world out there, but there are many, many other people who are going through the same things you are. It may not be exactly the same, but someone out there is having those same doubts and fears as you and people like Max and those who have posted in response have a story to share. Some good. Some bad, but really, it does get better. Once you get out there and say it and are open to the discussions, there is a greta feeling of relief and happiness. Really, as people have said and will continue to say, love yourself. Love who you are. Don't let people drag you down, because they do not know YOU. I thank you all for sharing your stories.
I obviously have been scarred and refuse to return to the teaching world and have begun to pursue a career in law focusing on civil rights. I have moved to the West Side area of Los Angeles and have loved every moment of the new life I have. I no longer have to filter my thoughts and words. I don't have to live "in the closet" in a small minded community. Sure I lost some friends in the process of losing my job and coming out, but here's what I have to say to those who leave our lives because of this: "Screw them. It is their loss!" They are the ones who are losing out on knowing amazing people and while I am newly out, like a few months, I have never been happier and have met some people who will be in my life longer than those I thought would always be there. Look forward to the adventure everyone. Live your life, be safe and support one another. And get your E Copy of Hot Sissy ( or the hard cover if still available). Worth the read!
Best to all, Brenden Draper Los Angeles, CA
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Post by KC on Dec 20, 2015 17:05:58 GMT
I came out to my straight male bestfriends and they were all cool with it. I came out to them when I was 17 yrs on Skype and they've all supported me. Everyone pretty much knows that I am bi but not my parents. I don't think they have a clue that I am bi. However, I dont feel like talking to them about it as I would feel really uncomfortable because me and my parents are that close. I would prefer if they would find out from someone else. I dont really want to sit with them and talk about it.
One of the reasons why I prefer not to tell my parents is because they would automatically think that im gay even though I am bisexual. I dont mind when people refer to me as gay instead of bisexual. Some of my friends pretty much considers me as their 'gay-besties'. I dont really mind this. In fact, I love it when they call me their gay-bestie as i feel like we can talk about anything we want. I am both attracted to both men and woman. Had relationships with several girls and truly loved them, but I never feel inlove with guy or got in a relationship with a guy? IDK why> ?
Even though my parents doesn't know I dont feel like im in the closet considering all of my friends knows, but all of my mates kept it a secret. I am happy where I am right now. I talk to my friends about my social and love life and all of them accepts who I am. I think that all that matters.
My best coming out that I have done is when I came out to one of my girl friend (only friend, nothing else, but attracted to her!) . She had no idea that I was bisexual and did not suspect if I were gay at all. Absolutely had no idea whatsoever. I told her that Im bi and the way that she responded made me laugh so hard because she said and asked me, "auuuuhhhh really your bisexual ! So, you ever used a dildo? " and "how do you check guys out ". I was totally was not expecting this ! and I responded "I checked them by by checking their buttsss" and everyone else laughed. This was pretty much the best-time of my life. Now we are really great friends - our relationships is like gay-relationship type of relationship. This girl made the hoe that I am today. I am so so so happy with my life.
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Post by KC on Dec 21, 2015 23:45:43 GMT
Max,
I am thinking of doing a "coming-out " video and upload it on youtube, but im kinda of embarrassed. How do I coming this? I want to inspire others to come out and accept themselves.
Thanks a lot, KC
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Post by Tylor D. on Dec 27, 2015 7:47:03 GMT
Hi max,
Im donating to your movie, it sounds really interesting. I really have one question though. I have seen three videos go viral of people asking out celebs and it worked. There is nothing in this world I would want more than to take you on the best date of your life, flowers and all haha. I'm pretty attractive, just turned 25 and I'm a pre med major at osu. Please say yes. If making a video helps then I'm game. Just one date at your favorite restaurant, you are a beautiful guy who deserves the world. Im Tylor btw. My email tdegraaf15@yahoo.com let me know man. Have an amazing night.
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