bryan
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Post by bryan on Mar 16, 2015 5:32:11 GMT
How do you all deal with your own negativity? For me, that's worse than feeling lonely and being negative makes loneliness a ton worse. Exercise, yoga, reading are helpful for me, but I always have trouble dealing with negativity when it immediately comes up.
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Post by Stan on Mar 16, 2015 14:58:10 GMT
Bryan! i do share the same sentiment. im generally a pessimistic person and i have a family that treats and sees me poorly..add it all up and im a big nut job. on my end, the one that helps me get through is the Lord. i know this sounds cliche but He does keep me sane..that there is certainty of a light at the end of the tunnel. but on a general note, we can hold on to our individual faith/religion, surround ourselves with positive people who hold our best interest, eat healthy and exercise so as to get rid of the crappy heavy feeling physically and to be more of a positive thinker and learn how to keep the negative thoughts at bay so as not to let them take control of our whole being. another is a quote from Mean Girls..when Cady was visiting Regina after she got hit by the bus..when you got bit by a snake, you need to suck the poison out..suck the poison out of my life. Admittedly, there is a need to get rid of the excess baggages we have that hinder us from moving forward like fears, insecurities, failures, toxic relationships etc. that we have accummulated throughout the years. I am guilty of this because it really is difficult to let go of these personal stuff but i guess baby steps.
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Post by telquetues on Mar 17, 2015 3:31:14 GMT
Hi, Bryan. I like the books of David Sedaris, a very funny little guy, who happens to be gay and write a lot on the subject. Another gay american writer I've read is Andrew Solomon -- he is the more eloquent and serious type, and discusses the depression of outsiders.
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bryan
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Post by bryan on Mar 20, 2015 4:52:38 GMT
Stan, Mean Girls is great! Tine Fey's work deals a lot with fitting in when you don't feel like you're one of the cool kids. I'm sorry your family doesn't treat you well. I'm lucky to have a pretty supportive family even if we're not the most communicative. I'm glad you've found a faith to help you get through tough times.
Telquetues, I'll check out Andrew Solomon next time I'm looking for a book. Any specific recommendations? I love David Sedaris! I need to catch up on his newest book. If you're looking for something light and in the fantasy genre, The Book of Lost Things is a book I read a few years ago that I wish I had read when I was first getting ok with who I am.
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Post by Stan on Mar 22, 2015 13:45:37 GMT
Bryan!
Thanks for the reply! Let's just always be positive! =)
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Post by Rich on Apr 6, 2015 20:42:01 GMT
Loneliness, such an old friend. I cant remember a time in my life that I havent felt alone: from my tender years feeling weird and different and outsider of the world to the days that seems to slip like sand in the fingers. I can't remember when was the last time I had a real human interaction other than my close family members that check on me from time to time. People often said to me that its been my choice and to some extent they may be right, but they also don't understand the kind of prison a mind can be or the strenght a barrier can adquire. Honest I do not know why I am writting this, I usually lurk behind the shadow of internet and stay silent.
Please do not feel bad for me, as it was not my intent and like I already said it was in some part my choice, as time went by, people started to forget about me and I allowed them to forget.
I keep hearing of people giving more importance to a 5 inch screen than to the people next to them: and I understant the loneliness and the fear of being left behind, the fear of missing that bit of someone else life. it sometimes helps relief whatever pain lurks deep inside peoples mind and keep it quiet for a time. If this person in front of you is a close friend then just smile and give them a hug, let them know you are there and that they have your attention.
I can't foresee a brightest future ahead anymore but I also can't stop thinking, it might be.
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Post by Maxisms on Apr 9, 2015 17:34:50 GMT
Freddy- try to keep positive and only respond with love. The grindr cycle is a vicious one and takes some restraint to keep yourself from feeding into.
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Post by Maxisms on Apr 9, 2015 17:35:45 GMT
Bryan- look up different meditation and/or prayer exercises. that tends to do the trick for me.
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Post by CLD on Apr 17, 2015 16:42:40 GMT
I am now a third year college student and have been experiencing moments of loneliness since high school. Going to a private high school, many of the guys already knew each other fro grade school, PTA parents, boy next door situation. I didn't have that. I moved around a lot and attended a public school before high school. I recall my desperate attempts during high school to make friends - trying to be funny on Facebook or talk about my life or post a pic only to have people comment "no one cares," trying to find a suitable place for me in the cafeteria (a vicious place in school if you're without a place to sit with real friends), trying to join clubs, tried cross country and nothing works. People would spend weekends together (people I spoke to) and then I hear about it on Monday. Growing up in teen angst, my relationship with my mother was changing (and still is while in college). Cutting to the chase, high school was a struggle for me until around junior year. But, even up to high school graduation I didn't have that friend network that existed around me for four years. I have some truly close friends from high school, certainly, but I guess I just wanted what other people had - that TV American high school life, two parents, family vacations, my first car to drive to school. I never got over my high school loneliness really, especially in such a social environment and a school that praises itself for its alumni connection and lifelong friendships.
Fast forward to freshmen year of college, it was like all four years of high school loneliness compacted into two awful semesters. In my straighter years, I really liked this girl who ended up sh*tting on me for no reason whatsoever. Result? Self-esteem plummeted. I realize and face what I had thought since high school, and come out to my friends from high school and the few I had in college that I am gay. Okay, so things should pick up, right? No. Grindr was vicious. I don't know. Maybe "preference" is a real thing. Certainly. There are things I look for in the guys I'm into. I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood all my life, mostly white friends (especially in high school, few minorities attended), so maybe thats why I like white guys a lot. However, I do not look away from someone or disregard them because they are Asian, Latino, black, a human that looks different from me. But that is what I faced on Grindr (and still face today). By the way, I am black. If I get a reply at all, I often get "not into black guys." This isn't to say I haven't had my share of great sex or some pretty nice hookups, I certainly have. Im a good looking guy, dress well, etc, so it bothers me a lot. When Im in the middle of a vey liberal city with so many gay or bi guys, its disheartening to hear and feel the things I do.
I tried social groups here at school. Fraternities among some the ones I tried. To have a group of guys not give you a bid, is like a slap in the face saying "You are not good enough, and you didn't impress enough guys to gather votes on your behalf." I tried several different ones. Now, Im spiraling into depression and questions of self worth, wondering what Im doing wrong, why people wont continue to talk to me post-hookup, what can I do? To be alone, and to feel lonely in a school of 10K, is awful.
I thought I found love. Making a very long and complex story very short: I have a (NSFW) tumblr blog (get one! Doesn't have to be NSFW, by the way. I have great friend around my country and the world now and they've been a great help). Anyway, I meet this very handsome guy on tumblr. We chat a lot, things become more personal and intimate. We share everything about ourselves. We had great days, and bad days. But, a year later (last week), I discovered he was a catfish. I fell to care madly for a personality attached to a different face. Who do I text at 3am? Who makes me happy when I see their name appear on my phone? Now no one replies on Grindr often, and Im feeling alone yet again. Saying all of the above to say, for years I know what it is like to be alone and feel lonely. Or to not be alone, and still feel lonely.
I have been angry, lonely, tired of being tired, and socially impoverished. So how do I try to fix this? I went to counseling here at school. It wasn't easy. I tried to fix myself, told myself I don't need a shrink to tell me whats wrong. I know whats wrong. After a month, I decided to go. Awkward at first? Definitely. But it was so rewarding at the end. To have someone I could trust to tell my story to helped me cope. Mindfulness mediations (videos found on YouTube also) were a big help for me as well. We so often worry about the past, worry about experiences we cannot change. The past doesn't exist anymore. The time you spent reading everything up to this point doesn't exists anymore. The time before you read my last period of my last sentence hasn't happened yet, so why worry? What matters is the "spectacular now," so to speak. Not to say don't learn from the past, or don't plan for the future. Of course. But don't obsess. I learned to be happy with the friends I do have. Learning not to give a fuck about people who are phony and fake and don't have enough time for you.
Try to get to know yourself. Take walks, jog, read, draw, listen to music, write, people watch, do something that helps you discover who you are and what your refuge is. Don't judge yourself against that hot guy or girl on tumblr or instagram. Its toxic. Don't judge your social life by the latest Facebook post. When do you ever see someone on FB say they're massively depressed, or were just dumped, etc? We only see one side of people in social media. Be happy your alive. Wanna look better? Go work out, eat better. But don't be alone. See a counselor, if you cant get a journal and write down your emotions. Nights are awful for me sometime. Stewing in false internalized feelings of myself. I only get one life, and I am trying to make the best of it. Appreciate the fact that you are alive - and probably have internet access if you're reading this. We get so wound up that we continue "drinking that glass of water without ever tasting it." Whether I have one hundred people behind me, one, or none, I decided to continue on. Good people are out there, and we don't have to be alone. Forums like this are proof of that. Take care.
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Post by Adri on Aug 11, 2015 15:19:28 GMT
Loneliness
It seems like pretty broad topic to say the least...
Every person has a different way of explaining loneliness. I never find that one person even though I try everything. The next person could be just wanting friends and he feels he doesn't connect well with others. I personally think at the end of the day one-self should be the starting point. In a friendship or a relationship. The best feelng in the world is being honest and loving towards yourself! I know this may sound vain or even selfish but that was not my intention. Love and you shall be loved and for those who read this it doesn't just count in relationships it is a common denominator in any social connection to another human being.
I think my main problem would be my cellphone as well, me trying to get into a relationship means grindr every 10 minutes. Just to check. I know this is rude and a little bit desperate. This takes time from me when i am in important social interactions with friends and even sometimes family. When i get into bed at night and everyone is asleep i feel guilty for letting strangers take up my time and not the ones who matter. I guess that is where my main problem is. Giving attention to all the wrong places.
On a lighter note! Max,you and Willam make a amazing team. Funny but amazing. You guys could not have picked a better video to collab on!
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adri
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Young truth seeker.
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Post by adri on Aug 11, 2015 15:27:54 GMT
HAHA and now i have a profile yay lol...
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adri
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Young truth seeker.
Posts: 2
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Post by adri on Aug 11, 2015 15:44:27 GMT
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Post by Maxisms on Aug 25, 2015 7:48:47 GMT
Stan, I think you've nailed it.... but it's tough because it's definitely something that everyone is guilty of from time to time.
Does anyone have any tricks to mitigate the problem?
I usually have a rule about the phone at meals Basically, no phone use unless it's relating to something happening during or directly after eating (EX a friend trying to find the restaurant or figure out where everyone is meeting after dinner.
Also, ditching the phone while at the gym or going to the park/beach/wherever can provide a much needed break when you just can't seme to get your eyes off the phone.
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Post by JV on Sept 13, 2015 21:11:47 GMT
I am guilty of being pessimistic in the past and continue to change my thought process whenever I feel it's getting out of control. I think having a little pessimistic thoughts is healthy and realistic.
"Whatever you think, think the opposite." By Paul Arden it's an easy read and pretty entertaining.
His other book "it's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be." Is also a good self improvement book.
Two methods I use to help with combating negatives thoughts and loneliness:
1. Meditation (light some incense) and listen to Buddhist chants for at least 30 minutes to recenter myself and clear my head. In this instant gratification world with social media all around us, it helps disconnecting and focusing on what really matters.
2. I usually call up friends that I haven't connected in awhile and plan a dinner party. The planning and organizing helps keep me busy and look forward to connecting with friends who I don't keep in touch with on a daily basis. This helps with building those relationships that we all need in life.
As Rupaul would say "if you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else."
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Post by Greg on Feb 18, 2018 21:54:09 GMT
I know that I am a bit messed up from my "traumatic" childhood and the booze and drugs when I was younger, so actually do not feel loneliness. I may not speak to anyone for days and not even realise it. I would not count this as a blessing as it means that I also do not have the ability to make friendships that last or have any real depth. I do see that loneliness is a problem for others and wish them well in overcoming it. As to my phone, I own it and not the other way around.
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