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Post by Maxisms on Feb 24, 2015 7:27:14 GMT
Hey guys! I'd love it if you could share your stories about coming out of the closet, breaking up with the final girlfriend, or anything relating to tho theme here. There's a lot of people out there who don't know how to break the news to their loved ones and could benefit from seeing everybody else's examples.
-How did you do it? -Was anyone straight up BUSTED? -How would you have done it if you really had the balls? -What would be some examples of what NOT to do? -Was it what you expected?
My experience was that it was way easier than anticipated. I was constantly living with anxiety and paranoia that people would know my secret. I would self medicate with recreational drugs, which ultimately made the neurosis worse. It finally happened when I was 18, away at college and already in a relationship. I simply spilled the beans when my mom asked about the picture of my boyfriend on the wall. She cracked a few jokes. My dad said "What you do in a bedroom is your own business." One brother said "I just hope you're not the bitch" and my other brother farted, saying "So that turns you on, right?" (that probably sounds super abusive, but to me it was a relief because we could joke about it and not have to tip-toe around the subject) A couple of friends dropped off the map, but that happens for anyone when you go away to college. Since then (years later), those people eventually got over their insecurities and have re-entered my life. The people who really mattered never went anywhere, and I'm sincerely grateful for that. I know that isn't the case for everyone.
I look forward to hearing these stories. Thanks!
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Post by Henry on Feb 24, 2015 8:42:54 GMT
My mum busted me kissing a friend of mine at her house. She was supposed to be asleep and she tip toed down stairs and busted us. He told us to leave the house and I did. I cried all night and all morning. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. A few hours later my little brother texted me a Simpsons quote that made me laugh, I replied "you have no idea how much I needed that" he asked what was wrong and when I told him (through text, I couldn't talk without crying) he told me not to be sad and that that this is the hardest part. After this it's all downhill. He spoke to mum and got her to call me. She told me she loved me but didn't understand what I was doing. She still doesn't understand and clings to the hope I will snap out of it and marry a woman and live happily ever after. But at least she treats me normally and I know she will always love me.
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Post by Maxisms on Feb 25, 2015 8:20:16 GMT
Henry, That's incredibly tough. You're lucky to have your brother. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm sure your mum will come around once she realizes that your lifestyle isn't the den of sin that she thinks it is ;-)
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Post by bedroom on Feb 26, 2015 16:37:05 GMT
Hi guys !! I have always been out since I know when. I can tell you it wasn't easy growing up in Thailand when everyone made fun and bullied and called me by name. I was born this way I cannot change who I am. When I was young, I always thought why I am not like everyone else. It made me very sad. But growing older, I have always been gay all my life. My family is very supportive and loves me as who I am. This foundation makes me very confident about myself. I am comfortable of who I am as long as I am happy and contribute to love people around me. PS my first boy-boy kissed was age of 7.
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Post by Maxisms on Feb 26, 2015 21:34:37 GMT
Bedroom- dang, you started young! I lived in Thailand for a few months a long time ago. It seemed like they celebrate "ladyboys" yet were almost hostile towards more masculine gay men. It's difficult when people are trying to push you into one box or another. Seems like you're setting a good example, keep it up!
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Post by adam on Feb 27, 2015 15:34:07 GMT
I'm 16 and well considering to come out to my mum. She's a slight homophobic because in the Indian culture your life is written the moment you are born. Grow up get a job get a wife have kids die. It's that simple. I don't want that at all. My uncles are extremely homophobic and well once told me, if your gay we will kill you. Pretty fucked up. I once tried to come out to my grandmother. I love her dearly and I just said what happens if I had a boyfriend. She gave me a death stare and said are you fucking kidding me. So I shrugged it off and laughed. I have a feeling they kind of know as I hang with girls and Act gayish. I have had girl friends but I like guys and I'm 100% sure I'm gay and I've had sex with guys. I'm just tired of lying and pretending to be straight and hiding my boyfriends. But I'm scared of the consequences...
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Post by Maxisms on Feb 27, 2015 20:40:39 GMT
Adam- that's NUTS, dude. I've never had it that hard, so I'm doing my best to relate. Thank you so much for your post. It sounds like you might want to wait until you can afford to support yourself financially before breaking the news. As far as your uncles, it sounds like you should talk to someone more qualified to help. Those kinds of threats are definitely not ok. If you don't have any local resources (I'm assuming you're in India?)... www.thetrevoeproject.org has a lot of great resources (including people more qualified than me) Really though, thank you so much for sharing that.
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Post by lindela on Feb 28, 2015 0:29:35 GMT
I came out last year at age 19. First to my friends, then my psychologist and finally my sister and two cousins. You would not believe how nervous I was, only to find out that they had known all along. Those are all the people I felt like telling, the rest... Meh. If they ask I will be honest because I have nothing to hide. I was fortunate but I know that some are not as lucky and I do sympathise with my LGBTQIAP+ brothers, sisters and people. What kept me in the closet for most of those years was the persistent bullying and the fear of being physically assaulted. It happened a lot in primary school so it was no surprise that when I got to high school, I opted to be invisible, I still got bullied but it was just words then. But a part of me feels like I am stronger for it.
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Post by telquetues on Mar 1, 2015 22:10:53 GMT
A friend told me that you need to keep coming out once and once again your whole life. I guess it's true unless I could be as famous as Elton John I first thought of coming out when I was 12: after reading an article written by a wife of a gay man, I was so frightened, and ran to my Mom looking at her in the most restless way. She asked what's going on, I guess it was the shame that shut my mouth up. Then fast forward to college, I came out to my best friend, before I dived into a relationship: he was very supportive, and I actually suspect he was gay too. Then several other friends, all of whom were cool about it. When I was 21 after college graduation, I came to the states for higher education, and the culture here really braced me to come out to my parents. In 2013, when I was 24, I came out to my parents on a visit back to China. I wrote a 30-page long letter trying to explain everything clearly, and I was on my knees to beg for their forgiveness, for not being able to build up a family and bring them the happiness of having their grand children. They are loving parents, and their main concern was the extra difficulty I would be facing due to my sexuality. My Mom is quite innocent and I often find her similar to a teen girl. At that time, she cried like a hurt animal, curling up on the bed -- I felt really sorry for her. I saw her crying like this only twice, the other time was because of an unfairness in the judgement of her works. My father lamented for five seconds when I told him -- he refused to read my letters, but told me to 顺其自然, meaning to go with the flow. We haven't discussed about it ever since, partly because I have not found the guy I could introduce to them, partly because it's still a shame for them, which I totally understand due to their vision, partly because they suspect it's a shame for me too (which is not true) and do not want to bring it up, and also partly, and let me say most importantly, because they think talking is futile in this subject. By the way, I am unluckily of the generation of "One Child Policy", so coming out to my parents makes me feel that I do not owe anyone an explanation anymore. After that, I became open about it, and to whoever was curious about why I had not a girl friend, I told the truth. On one hand, coming out at 24 gives me enough time to prepare, both mentally, educationally and financially. When I said it, despite the apologizing attitude (I did feel sorry for them very much, think about this: you see your child to go on a difficult journey, do not really know if that's right or wrong, and perhaps you think it's wrong, but that's his decision you need to respect), I was quite firm and in the grip. And I even want to say I am grateful for the shame I had that prevented me from telling the truth at 12, which could lead to a huge family turmoil. On the other hand, hiding something for more than 10 years did cost an emotional toll -- it has changed my personality. I was kind of the bright and sharp kid, but now I am quite dull and boring, not able to entertain people unless we are really close. During high school years, I refused to wear any bright colors that draw attention, and intentionally became a fat + bald (keeping hair extremely short) guy which disguised my somewhat sissy look. Luckily, as soon as I went to college, I stopped the self abuse, but black still takes 90% of my wardrobe. America is a great country: I have met some cool people and a few uncool ones, have somewhat got a bite of love, and have thought some things clearly here -- I used to think I could lead a double life and never came out to anyone. But in a way, I want to go back to China, to my family and my root, which seems quite impossible today. The culture back there is not as diversed as here: all of the kids in my generation were brought up wearing convenient pants, with holes in the clutch so that we had the freedom to pee whenever and wherever. No exception. Max couldn't know this better. That is a powerful culture holding everything together but allowing less room, which, however, can be suffocating. With that much rambling, I conclude my coming out story - till now. Most of the things did worked out as I thought, but there are exceptions, and the unexpected is the really interesting part. And good luck to all of us!!!
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Post by Jay on Mar 3, 2015 1:33:30 GMT
Your questions, my answers:
1 -How did you do it?
It was a multi-year process. While I was breaking up with the first guy I ever had sex with, the girl who would be my girlfriend for the next five years picked me up (we were sitting on the porch of his fraternity house when these two girls walked by). He had fallen in love with me and wanted us to get an apartment together. This was in the early '70s, and I had no idea that two male college students could share a one-bedroom apartment without everyone shrieking "FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS." Two years later, the girlfriend introduced me to the first boy I fell in love with. I told her after a couple of months went by, and she refused to let me go. I didn't put up any resistance: I was scared to death to tell him. Long story short, he wasn't gay, and I would not come out until two years (and another boyfriend, someone who actually liked dick) went by.
-Was anyone straight up BUSTED?
Do you mean literally, by the police? If so, no. My parents, however, treated me as if I'd committed a crime when I told them, two years after that. I have not had a relationship with my family since.
-How would you have done it if you really had the balls?
I would have acted upon my attraction to this one guy who turned out to be "bi" (his description). We had sex almost ten years after high school, and he became one of the top three sex partners of my life. He died of AIDS a few years after that. It kills me, still, realizing we could have been having sex all those years earlier.
-What would be some examples of what NOT to do?
DO NOT TELL YOUR PARENTS IF YOU ARE FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON THEM.
-Was it what you expected?
It was worse than I expected with my family. I never thought they would be as truly rotten and hateful as they turned out to be.
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Post by Jay on Mar 3, 2015 1:40:53 GMT
Your questions, my answers:
1 -How did you do it?
It was a multi-year process. While I was breaking up with the first guy I ever had sex with, the girl who would be my girlfriend for the next five years picked me up (we were sitting on the porch of his fraternity house when these two girls walked by). He had fallen in love with me and wanted us to get an apartment together. This was in the early '70s, and I had no idea that two male college students could share a one-bedroom apartment without everyone shrieking "FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS." Two years later, the girlfriend introduced me to the first boy I fell in love with. I told her after a couple of months went by, and she refused to let me go. I didn't put up any resistance: I was scared to death to tell him. Long story short, he wasn't gay, and I would not come out until two years (and another boyfriend, someone who actually liked dick) went by.
2 -Was anyone straight up BUSTED?
Do you mean literally, by the police? If so, no. My parents, however, treated me as if I'd committed a crime when I told them, two years after that. I have not had a relationship with my family since.
3 -How would you have done it if you really had the balls?
I would have acted upon my attraction to this one guy who turned out to be "bi" (his description). We had sex almost ten years after high school, and he became one of the top three sex partners of my life. He died of AIDS a few years after that. It kills me, still, realizing we could have been having sex all those years earlier.
4 -What would be some examples of what NOT to do?
DO NOT TELL YOUR PARENTS IF YOU ARE FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON THEM.
5 -Was it what you expected?
It was worse than I expected with my family. I never thought they would be as truly rotten and hateful as they turned out to be.
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Post by Maxisms on Mar 3, 2015 5:25:53 GMT
telquetues- awesome story, man. Can't say I would have done much differently. I love going to China, but I can't imagine how tough it'd be to be stuck with that culture's dogmas. Also, I doubt you're boring.
Jay- That's a tough story. I'm sorry to hear about your partner :-( You were definitely part of a much more difficult time. Thanks for putting all of our "problems" in perspective. That being said, I hope you can patch things up with your parents.
Thanks for the responses, guys!
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bwms91
New Member
Married
Posts: 4
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Post by bwms91 on Mar 5, 2015 23:28:49 GMT
My history is a long one. I knew from early days in grade school that I was attracted to boys or men not girls or women. I also knew intuitively that though I did not see anything wrong with this attraction it was an attraction probably best not shared with everyone. Keep in mind that this was the mid 1950's a different time to say the least. I grew up in an upper middle class suburb of Chicago. My father was a strict conservative man who did not understand me on any level. My mother was perceptive, understanding, and nonjudgmental woman who I always thought understood me better than I understood myself. I have a brother who is five years younger than I am.
I started my actual sexual exploration in fourth or fifth grade. My best friend and I spent a lot of time at each others homes and we were both lucky to have rooms of our own. I do not remember how we actually began to begin our exploration, but it progressed from touching to kissing to oral sex in very short order. This went on for about three years and by the time we were in Junior High School we were having sex two or three times a week. I also had a couple of other guys that I messed around with less frequently. Non of us shared these experiences with anyone as far as I know. I did not share my sexual attraction with anyone in my family, because it was just not a subject that was ever discussed not because I was into guys not gals.
By time I got to High School my buddy from grade school and I had gone our separate ways. BTW he ended up being straight and got married to a woman and had three kids. I was 6'3" and about 200 Lbs. by the time I was in 8th grade so I was able to pass for a lot older than I was and never had anyone pick on or bully me. I had a number of sexual hookups in High School but nothing serious. Junior year for spring break a friend and I went to Acapulco, Mexico. Our parents did not want us to go to Fort Lauderdale which was the spring break city of choice at the time because they were afraid we would get into trouble. So they sent us to Acapulco, go figure. We drank copious Margaritas and my friend hooked up with a 30+ year old woman and I hooked up with a 30+ year old guy. Best vacation ever.
I went to college at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, a very liberal and non judgmental town outside of Detroit. All of my close friends in college were straight. Some knew I was gay and some did not. None of them seemed to care one way or the other. As long as you were against the war in Vietnam you were OK. I had plenty of sex in college, but no relationships, just hook-ups. During the summers I was back living with my parents. By this time I had discovered the gay porn theatres in Chicago and spent a good many an evenings enjoying the movies and the back room sex. While in college the airlines offered incredibly cheap stand-by fares. I would go to the airport on Friday not really knowing where I was going to go, but ready for an adventure. My favorite destination was NYC. 18 year old drinking age and plenty of available men.
After graduating from Michigan I went to work for a candidate for the U.S. Senate from Illinois. A Democrat. My father told me I either had to pay rent or move out. I moved out and for the duration of the campaign I lived in a basement bedroom in my candidates house in Chicago. Following his election I lived in Washington DC for a year and a half. I then moved back to Chicago to work on a gubernatorial campaign and then following the election working in the Governor's office. I spent a good deal of my time working for the Governor's wife helping her plan and execute events at the Governor's Mansion. I also traveled with her on a number of occasions. We went to Sao Paulo, Brasil to open the state's International Trade Office and also toured Rio, and Brasilia. I fell in love with Brasil. When I got back home the head of the office in Sao Paulo called me and asked me if I would be interested in coming to Brasil to work with him. I was and I did. I lived in Sao Paulo and spent every weekend in Rio. On my first weekend in Rio I met a man with whom I would have my first relationship. He spoke almost no English and I was just learning Portuguese but we were able to communicate. I was considered part of his family at functions in Rio and when my mother came to visit me in Brasil with one of her girlfriends the four of us took a 10 day trip around the country together. I assumed that my mom and her friend knew that we were a couple, but the subject never came up. We had a great time.
After the job in Brasil ended, I moved to NYC. My boyfriend from Rio joined me for a few months, but he decided to move back to Brasil. We remained friends. I lived in NYC for a little more than two years and it was the first time that I was totally Out of the Closet with everyone. No one seemed to care and in terms of the type of jobs that I had either with political candidates and special event planning, being gay was a plus rather than a minus. The gay scene in NY at that time was incredible. This was the late 1970's and there were bath houses, bars for every persuasion, discos, and sex clubs. I took full advantage. The time that I was living in NYC was at the peak of Studio 54's popularity. I usually went there three or four nights a week and it is where I met my first live in lover. We were together in NY for a year and then I got a job running another Senate campaign in Illinois. He moved back to Chicago with me. Prior to moving back to Chicago I decided to let my parents know that was in a serious relationship and that I would be moving back to Chicago with my lover and wanted them to know that we were a couple. I did not mean this to be a coming out letter, but that is what it turned out to be. My father could not believe it, my mother said she had not known I was gay, and my brother said great and he supported totally supported my choice. I could not believe that they did not already know I was gay. Obviously if I had known I would have come out in at least a slightly different and from their point of view more compassionate way. After short time, my father grudgingly accepted that I was gay, my mother who I believe always knew, never treated me any differently than she always had and was totally welcoming to my partner. I had to explain to my brother that I did not choose to be gay, but that I was born gay and I appreciated his support. Once word of my being gay got around to my parents friends, my extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. to a person they were all excepting an treated me no differently than before. I feel very lucky that this was an is the case and I know that a lot of my contemporaries did not have it so easy.
Since the topic coming out I will skip to the present day. My husband and I were married in July of 2013 following the favorable decisions by the Supreme Court in the Windsor and Prop 8 cases. At that point we had been engaged for 22 years. We are living outside of Palm Springs, CA.
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Post by Kurtis on Mar 27, 2015 8:05:09 GMT
So I haven't come out yet. I don't even know how to or if I am 100% gay. In grade 8 I started to realize kissing girls wasn't all that amusing and it felt like nothing. In Grade 9 I was introduced to my friends friend from dance. We talked and I kinda started to like him more than just a friend. We went to a movie together as friends. But at the end I took my time so we would be the last ones out of the theater. And just as we were about to walk out the doors I called him over and kissed him. It was the most exciting thing that has happens to me in a long time ! I was so happy and like bubbly inside. We saw each other in walmart one night and kissed again in the shoe department. Same fantastic feeling. But I was scared and I pushed him away, and lied and said I didn't like the kisses. And now he hardly talks to me and is in a relationship. I started talking to a guy at work and found out that he was gay. I thought he was really attractive from day 1. And we talked and talked and ended up sharing life stories. I told him this ^^ and he said he wanted to kiss me, but we slowely started not talking anymore. Now I just don't bother with love. I don't necessarily feel the same way for girls. Sure they can be pretty and all but I don't think I'm attracted to them. And life at home is hard with my panrenys constantly making jokes about me being gay and ask me all the time and I tell them no. Mostly cause I'm not ready to come out yet. I told two friends and that's all I intended to.
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Post by Kari R on Mar 27, 2015 16:17:54 GMT
-Markku guess what? Your big brother is gay. Best part is that this is not a joke.
That was my first time i came out of closet. I told my younger brother Markku that i am gay. He was cool. He said that it was no suprise. He knew it allready. Thanks to this good feedback it has been easy to come out for others as well. Most of my friends have been suportive. Even if you feel nervous pull yourself together and say the words. Once you have say it...it is amazing feeling. Being high whit drugs...
Well one of my straight friend was upset. He though i had crash on him. All i could say is "Baby you are not my type. So don´t worry. "
So enjoy being gay and start love yourself and world! YOurs Kari
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